7 Steps to Healing From Divorce

Divorce is painful, there’s no doubt about it. You are literally experiencing the “death” of your dreams, hopes, visions and future between you and your partner – no wonder they say divorce is like death without a burial.

Maybe you’ve tried to fight through it, but they were firm on their decision to leave. Maybe you decided to leave because you could no longer take the infidelity or abuse. Whatever the reason, just know that you are not alone and God loves you so much. He STILL has a plan for you. The best part is that God is a master in working all things (this includes your divorce!) together for the good for those who love him.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28

In order for God to turn our mistakes or bad situations in our life for good, we must be willing to submit to Him and surrender everything we are so desperately trying to hold on to – only then can the healing process begin. Here are 7 steps to healing from divorce.

1. Learn to Let Go and Surrender to God

I’m fully aware that learning to let go and surrendering to God is easier said than done! However, it is the first and probably most important step in your healing process. Until you decide to surrender this painful situation to God, you will remain stuck and unable to move forward past all of the hurt. Surrendering to Him means we let go of the wheel, we no longer strive for control over the situation, but rather we choose to allow God to have His way in every aspect of our life.

We can surrender to God through prayer so that we can let Him direct our plans. It’s perfectly okay to share in your prayers how you feel – broken, hurt, empty, upset, angry, don’t feel like you can ever get past this (I’m talking all the raw emotions!), but don’t just stop there. Invite God to help you in each of those areas you feel a void in.

Ask God to help you let go. You may be feeling emotionally exhausted, weak and tired but God’s hands are mighty and strong and powerful. Learning to let go and surrendering to God is a daily choice we have to make. Start each day by seeking God and speaking to Him in prayer and through scriptures. Find encouraging Bible verses and pray over them in your life. Surround yourself with encouragement. This can be positive people like family and friends who will speak the truth into your situation. You can also listen to podcasts, read books, listen to worship music, etc. You may not feel anything changing at first, but be persistent. It’s safe to put your trust in God because He is the only one who will never disappoint.

2. Give Yourself Time to Grieve & Process

Coping with a divorce is undoubtedly intensely painful. Giving yourself time to mourn the loss of your marriage and process what happened is essential to healing. In fact, trying to suppress your feelings to avoid the pain will not only cause more built up emotional damage and pain in the long run, but it can also result in physical stress on your body as well.

Embrace your feelings. Pain, suffering, sorrow and loss are unavoidable in this fallen world – but God has given us hope. Instead of trying to keep busy in hopes of ignoring the underlying pain and hurt you feel, learn to understand those feelings are normal and face them, but realize you don’t have to face them alone. The truth is that we can’t handle it alone, we need the power of Christ, Jesus himself, to give us hope and heal us.

It’s okay, actually it’s encouraged, that we vocalize our grief to God and ask Him to step in and give us peace and rest.

Cast your burden on the Lord [release it] and He will sustain and uphold you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (slip, fall, fail).

Psalms 55:22, AMP

Jesus is the only one who can give us peace, joy and rest in the midst of your suffering – and we have the privilege of casting our pain, hurt, and suffering on Him and He will sustain us! He will strengthen you, keep you going and carry you through this painful period of your life.

3. Understand Healing is Your Responsibility

I know it’s a tough pill to swallow. Maybe you’re tempted to say, “But you don’t know what I went through. I was the one who got cheated on, I was the one who was abused, I was the one that was manipulated and treated so poorly! Why is it my job to clean up their mess?” – and as unfair and absolutely awful as these things are, the painful truth remains the same. In our heads we might think that it only makes sense that the one who made the mess should be the one to clean it up, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

You have a choice to make. You can either choose to remain stuck in the “but it wasn’t my fault” mentality even though all you would be doing is prolonging your healing, or you can choose to say “It may not be my fault that these things happened, but it’s up to me to decide to move forward from this.” As painful as it is to come to terms with, the reality is: No other person can heal you, that is your responsibility.

God is the only one that can bring restoration to our brokenness and heal our wounds, but we have to make the decision to allow Him in to do that. If you’re looking for healing from the person that hurt you, that they “right their wrongs”, you will only be disappointed. It’s human nature. We desire closure from the ones that hurt us, we want to know why, we want to know that they regret treating us so poorly and we want them to be the one to heal us – but that just isn’t how it works. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin our healing process.

4. Avoid Dating Until You’ve Healed

You might be tempted to just jump into the dating world immediately and force yourself to talk to people of the opposite sex to “get yourself out there” again, but unless you’ve healed, this will only do you more harm than good. If you’ve only recently gotten divorced, chances are you’re still on an emotional rollercoaster – some days you feel absolutely torn down and beaten, others you might feel like you’re completely healed and moved on, then you feel bitter, upset and angry, some days you’ll just feel jaded and then it repeats!

There are obvious reasons why it’s best to wait to date after a divorce like: your rebound relationship will only add to your emptiness (because you’re trying to find happiness and search for healing in a person instead of God), you’re probably going to have trust issues and unfairly project that on a new partner, dragging a new partner into your drama, rushing too fast into a relationship without taking the time to get to know this new person because you feel lonely, etc.

Be patient, wait. Take some time to be single, work on healing, focus on your relationship with God and reflect on what you can do differently in order to avoid repeating the same mistakes again. There is no magic amount of time to wait before you start dating after your divorce. With that begin said, I would still recommend waiting at least a year before putting yourself in the dating scene.

If you take 365 days of being single, going through important events and holidays without worrying about having a significant other, you’ll be able to divorce the thoughts in your head that tell you “you need someone” in order to feel content, happy, etc. Giving yourself some time to be alone will also give you the opportunity to figure out what went wrong in your last relationship, what went right, what things or behaviors you may want to let go of and what you may want to hold onto.

5. Stop Dwelling on the Past & Look to the Future With Hope

Dwelling on the past includes looking at old photos in your phone, rereading old text messages, listening to old voicemails, stalking them on social media or asking mutual friends about them. These types of behaviors tend to be almost like an immediate reaction to painful break ups because we yearn to relive all of the “great and happy moments” we shared even though it only deepens the pain we’re feeling.

The longer you spend dwelling on the past and memories, the harder it becomes to move forward let alone have any hope for your future. The energy you spend dwelling over them will be wasted. Nothing good or productive will come from that. In fact, it will just delay your healing.

Avoid old triggers (anything that will remind you of that person) as best as you can. I say as best as you can simply because every divorce is different. In some divorces it might be completely possible to part ways and never have contact again. In others, kids are involved, jobs, etc. This makes never seeing your ex pretty much impossible (at least for the time being). If that is the case where it will be inevitable to see your ex, then you can do yourself a favor and not add to that.

6. Comfort the Kids

How children will react and cope with divorce depends on a variety of things such as their age, personality, the circumstances of the divorce, etc. If you had kids with your partner, especially younger ones, they might assume the divorce was their fault because they mistakingly believe they have that kind of power (similarly they also believe they can get the both of you back together). It is important that you assure them that the decision to separate was not their fault.

To help comfort the kids you should always encourage their honesty and reassure them that it is okay for them to have their feelings. Never be dismissive towards your kid’s feelings. Instead, make sure they feel comfortable with sharing them with you so that they can let it all out in order to start looking for ways to make things better. Always offer your support in any way you can.

Consistency and routine are important for kids because they require familiarity and comfort. To the best of your ability, try to develop a routine that works consistently in order to minimize any unpredictable schedule changes.

Most importantly, keep putting God first in everything you do and ask Him to give you guidance on how to lead your children. God is your overflowing source of life so it’s absolutely vital you stay connected to that source for your sake and your children’s. It’s not easy, this is a difficult journey, but by staying close to God and taking things step by step, you will begin to gain clarity.

7. Know That God Still Loves You & Is In Control

Many Christians buy into the lies of the enemy that tries to tell us that God doesn’t love you after your divorce, God won’t forgive you, or that God doesn’t have a plan for your life anymore because you somehow messed it all up. None of that is true. Just because you are divorced doesn’t mean you are damaged goods.

Choose to make the decision that you will keep looking forward with hope for your future and know, believe and trust with all your heart that God is still in control. He is not done with you. Only through God and His promises can we have hope for our future, hope that He will turn our mistakes and past into something beautiful. Nothing can ever take away God’s love for you.