How to Keep Your Marriage From Running on Autopilot

What tends to happen in marriages, especially if you’ve been in one for a while, is it hits what’s called an autopilot. So what exactly does this mean and could this be the reality of your marriage?

This may come as a shock, but a lot of pilots don’t actually know how to fly a plane because of something called autopilot. In fact, around 90% (sometimes more) of the flight is on autopilot. In other words, this basically means that the pilot drives the plane to the runway, pushes a button (autopilot), the plane takes off, flies all the way to the destination and then the pilot parks it back to the gate.

Furthermore, some crashes we hear about are actually a result from issues with the autopilot disengaging and the pilots lacking the proper skills needed to fly the plane without autopilot. This is because the more you rely on autopilot while flying and not “by hand”, the more you lose the skills of flying. Why am I telling you this? Well it certainly isn’t to scare you into never flying again (don’t worry, flying is still one of the safest ways to travel).

The reason I’m telling you this is because some couples have been running on autopilot in their marriages for years. As a result, they not only lose the skills they need for a healthy relationship, but they also start losing awareness of their spouse and stop connecting with them. This not only weakens your bond but can eventually destroy your marriage.

A few signs of autopilot in a marriage include:

• Taking your partner for granted. You have the “they’ll always be there” mentality which excuses you from investing in your marriage
• We put our partner way down the list in our priorities
• You give/receive much less attention from your spouse than in the earlier stages of your marriage
• You can’t remember the last time you had quality time together
• Everything just feels like routine. There is no excitement, no talk of future goals and no effort to try and delight or impress our spouse

Why do we hit autopilot?

There are several possible reasons why we begin to run on autopilot in our marriages. One of them is that you believe you’ve reached altitude so now you’re just coasting with your partner. In other words, you are just sitting back in your relationship, relaxing and not putting in any effort because you already met certain goals. For example, you had the goal of getting married, you did that. You had a goal of having a child, you did that too. It’s this mentality that we’ve worked for all of these things and now that we have them, now that they’ve happened, we can just hit autopilot and sit back and watch.

Another reason is we shift our focus. In the beginning you focused on each other and on your commitments. You wanted to find out what makes your partner laugh, what bothers them, what they like, what they dislike – so that you can make an effort to please your partner. Yet somehow down the line when you get married and start feeling comfortable you start to shift you focus on something like your career, your kids, money, etc.

The instant you hit autopilot in your marriage and your focus shifts on something else is the instant your marriage becomes damaged. What can you do to prevent this autopilot in your marriage?

1. Prioritize Your Marriage

After God your marriage should be your first focus. Yes, I do mean your marriage should come before and be your priority over you career, over your children and over your friendships.

In case you’re rereading the last sentence to make sure I did actually say that your spouse should come before your children, I’ll give you a moment to process. Now I could go on and on about why it’s important to put your spouse first before the kids, but that would take ages. Instead, I’m just going to name a few reasons why it’s important to prioritize your marriage over anything (except your relationship with God of course).

First, more than anything a child longs for and needs a home that is stable and secure. This type of security and comfort is essential for their confidence, independence and overall healthy development. Your kids will reap benefits if you go on dates with your spouse, if they sleep in their own room and especially if you learn to resolve conflicts with your partner. Whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of believing that you are doing your children a favor by prioritizing them over your husband or wife – you’re not. Marriages that fail to prioritize their spouse are the ones at risk for falling apart (which will only create more damage for your kids in the long run!).

God created marriage with a foundation which ensures that if you follow it you will have a 100% chance of having a successful marriage; it all comes down to your priorities. God should always be first, but after your relationship with God, your spouse becomes your number one priority.

Matthew 19:5 explains “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

The Bible states that the husband and wife become one flesh, not the kids and the parents. Our children certainly are a gift and blessing from God (Psalms 127:3), but we are united with our spouse, not our kids.

Generally speaking, after having children it’s typically the wife that shifts her priorities to her kids while the husband shifts his priorities to his career – a recipe for failure. The wife will usually put all of her attention on the kids, especially when they are newborns, because she has to feed the baby every 3-4 hours, change diapers, etc. For the newborn stage I think this is only natural and normal to put your attention and focus on your baby. The issue is that this type of priority persists for far longer than just the infant stage.

Due to her exhaustion, often times the wife begins to see her husband’s desire to spend time with her or have sex as something that is selfish or wrong – he’s not wrong, he’s actually right for wanting to prioritize your relationship! This in turn pushes the husband away and then he starts to shift his priorities centering them around his career. Suddenly marriage no longer remains the priority for the husband or the wife and autopilot kicks in.

How can this be stopped? It’s quite simple, but not easy. You’re going to have to make some sacrifices for the sake of your marriage. If you feel you don’t have enough time to devote to your spouse, this might mean you have to take some time away from personal pursuits like shopping, playing golf or maybe it’s your social media addiction and dedicate that time to your partner. Before you call me crazy – ask yourself how bad do you want to save your marriage. What are you willing to do or temporarily sacrifice if it means benefitting in your most important relationship?

Sometimes there are obvious bad things that destroy a marriage such as abuse or infidelity. Other times, however, it’s the good things which are done out of priority that can be a silent killer. You career, children, friends and hobbies are all good things, but when they become your priority and your spouse drops further down the list – it’s the beginning of the end in most marriages.

2. Know That You Are NOT Exempt From Crashing

Pilots are taught that they need to be sober minded and understand that nobody is exempt from crashing. In other words, if you believe that you are invincible and bulletproof and that it can’t happen to you – then you might be in for a rude awakening. Why? If you have the mentality that “this can’t happen to me” you won’t be prepared for certain unforeseeable or unpredictable challenges and therefore you won’t know how to handle them, making it easier to crash.

What am I saying? If you go into marriage believing it’s impossible for you guys to “crash” you will not be prepared for the difficulties and challenges you’ll face in marriage. Instead of having a plan to work on your marriage, you’ll be more quick to give up when hard times hit.

It’s similar to what happened with Peter and Jesus. Jesus told Peter that before the rooster crows twice Peter will deny him three times (Mark 14:30). Peter then denied his ability to deny Jesus by saying “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” (Mark 14:31). That was a strong promise. However, it was also a foolish one. When Peter denied his ability to deny Jesus he was already taking the first step towards sinning against God.

Don’t be foolish to think your marriage is bulletproof. By realizing that your marriage is capable of crashing if you don’t consistently continue to work on it, put in an effort, prioritize your spouse and make compromises, you are better preparing yourself to resist future temptations and strengthening your marriage by doing so.

This is why it’s so important to have God in the center of your marriage because the closer you get to Him, the closer you get to each other. It’s not just something you do one time and forget; putting God first means intentionally seeking Him every day and asking him to show you what you can do to ensure your marriage remains successful and blessed.

3. Plan a Date Night Every Week

One of the biggest mistakes couples make when they get married is they stop dating each other. Just because you got married does not mean you should stop pursuing each other. Neither one should ever take the other for granted. Husbands, never stop pursuing or dating your wife. Wives, never stop flirting with your husbands.

When you were dating, you were being intentional about getting to know each other, showing affection and letting the other person know how much you care – why stop this because you’re married? In fact, now that you are married, date nights become more important than ever!

There are many, many benefits to dating your spouse. Just to name a few:

• The anticipation for date night makes dealing with whatever undesirable things you’ve got going on during the week (changing diapers and wiping bottoms, stress at work, cleaning, etc.) much easier because you can remind yourself that in just a few days you and your partner will go on that much needed date
• It strengthens your bond and gives you the opportunity to connect on a deeper level
• You get to dress up for your spouse
• You both are prioritizing your marriage and, if you have kids, showing them a great example of what a healthy relationship looks like
• Helps you escape the stress of life and just relax and laugh with your partner about silly stories from long ago or funny memories the both of you share
• Both of you feel a sense of importance and care from the other person from this intentional time you are setting apart to dedicate to your spouse

The list can go on and on! Also, to clarify, having a date night every week does not just have to mean going out to a fancy restaurant – get creative! Date night can be defined as spending intentional time with your spouse alone and free from distractions (without the kids, no technology/social media).

If you really want to get creative with it you can make a list of fun date night activities you both enjoy doing, put them in a jar, and choose one each week. The point is to set aside quality time to spend with your partner and truly make an effort to date them. Don’t let the romance die out.

Turn Off Autopilot for Good

Never stop seeking God and putting Him first in your marriage. Ask Him to help you love your spouse more and more each day. Spend time in your relationship with God both alone and with your spouse. The only way to have a blessed marriage is to make sure you are receiving and pouring from the right foundation which is God. He is the only solid foundation.

Make the decision to turn off autopilot in your marriage today. It will require making some sacrifices, but it will be more than worth it in the end.